Place two fingers, preferably your index and middle finger, in the hollow between the windpipe and the large muscle in the neck. Press lightly until you feel a pulse. Still breathing right? Thought so.
This being just one of the many reasons you should be thankful right now – After all; you’re going through a breakup you aren’t dying! Yet I get it, the whole shortness of breath, sleepless nights and constant checking of his Whatsapp last seen timestamp. However I do not condone any type of irrational ‘needy’ behaviour.
Let me explain.
I remember purchasing Lucy Watson’ The Dating Game – a book that completely and utterly infuriated me. Not only because it was written by a ‘ghost writer’ but also because ‘her’ advice was a carbon copy of every single nicety you’ll find on Google if you search for advice on how to survive a breakup.
*angrily shaking my fist in the air right now*
So, in an attempt to right a few wrongs I am going to give you my honest and potentially brutal advice. However know that I am speaking from experience. I have had long term relationships that have failed (miserably) yet now have puppies with the man I’m about to marry. *You probably don’t want to read that right now, sorry!
Accept the truth:
Your beau took a moment to evaluate his life, channelled his inner Mystic Meg and considered his future only to decide that he doesn’t want you to be a part of it. It’s not because he’s not ready for a relationship or for any other excuse for that matter! As if he wanted to be with you, he would. It really is that simple!
When it comes to the fridge of life cold turkey is NEVER going to be your first choice however right now it is the only thing that is going to stop you from becoming that needy psycho ex who accidently taps follow when online stalking. Delete his number, move all messages / emails and pictures into a folder on your computer that you have deemed DO NOT TOUCH. Block him off all Social Media platforms and whatever you do don’t under any circumstances post or Tweet the lyrics to an Adele song! Silence really is the best option.
Try Something New:
I perfected the art of surviving a breakup the third time around. Granted I mourned the loss of what I thought was ‘love’ but then something in me snapped and I started trying new things. I had an unplanned lunchtime tattoo, I tried Salsa lessons – I even had a piercing (my ear – WILD). Yet of course the most spontaneous act to date has to have been booking a one way ticket to Sydney with the departure date being 7 days later.
My point being. Life is too short to sit around and cry about someone who doesn’t like you! I’m sorry but not everyone is going to think you’re the amazing hot piece of ass I know you are! Stop with the reruns of the Notebook, put down the Ice Cream and start living your life.
Get your shit together:
One of the things I’ve realized the most is that men are attracted to women who have their shit together. They feel secure in the fact you have a life, hobbies and know exactly what you do and don’t like. So, find out what makes you tick, whether you like rye, buckwheat or flatbread. What you valued in your last relationship and what you won’t allow to happen again. What your sexual preferences are.
I mean seriously, do you really wanna have to fake another orgasm!? Join the gym. Update your Spotify and among other things spend time with your friends and family who have listened to you each time you’ve repeated the same bullshit about he who shall not be named.
… and finally
Don’t Force It:
Whatever you do don’t be a hurry to tick that little blue box on Facebook changing your relationship status from single again. Follow the above advice and enjoy being alone for a while. Without sounding like a cliché if its meant to be it’ll be – and if it isn’t, well is it really that bad to be single these days?
Sincerely, your online friend who will ALWAYS tell it like it is.